Long day! But nice to get back to school. Many familiar faces. Holly failed Hemo last quarter, so she's in my class again. She was in an accident over break, so her daddy bought her a new car. Must be nice.... Cyndi let us out of Pharmo early so I could have my skettios and relax a bit in the middle of the day. In Large Animal lab, she was talking about safety around the animals. "We have to look out for each other, we're all in this together, let's make it safe for everyone." Of course, that hit me more than it should have, because of my twitches with inclusion and safeness. Dr.Hemming will be a fun teacher, though his clothes are way too big. Pants are about 3 inches too long. It took all I had not to knock him down and force-tailor him. Jeopardy test was simple enough.

So busy at work cleaning up the last week's messes. I got the GM inventory cleared out at least, and cleaned up the customer database. I had been upset that there were a few new members entered with no information, but turns out they were duplicates. Harvey again, I've told him not to enter numbers many times, since it is not helpful for me to go back and merge them. Two new guys started last week, they seem smart enough to not be too much of a problem.
Thinking of love and relationships and trust during my free time today. How I could trust myself but not others. I don't know how to get over that hurdle.

Homework 1

Shannon McCormick
You were my only friend when I we lived in Bismarck. I admired you (as much as a 4 year can do) because you had a nice house, a lot of toys and a family that paied attention to you. You also went to school or daycare so I never saw you during the day.
We were going to Elk's Pool for your birthday party. I never had a group of friends at my birthdays, and I thought it was really cool. We started on the 5 block walk to the pool, and I walked next to you. You pushed me away and said you wanted to walk with your friends from school. That crushed me! I went home instead of going to the pool with you because I was crying so bad.
I didn't have another friend for 5 years after that, and she treated me pretty much the same way. Because of what you did 35 years ago, I have felt all my life that people didn't want me around. I withdrew, I read too much and I didn't participate with others, because I felt they'd just push me away. I don't even feel welcome within my own family. I wonder if you remember me.
Rachel, from the end of the block

Amy Cooper
You were new at school and some of the boys made fun of you because you were pudgy. You loved cats, so did I so we became two against the rude boys. We did almost everything together, except when you went to your chorale practices, or your CCD classes. The next year we were in different classes, and you got a new circle of friends, but we still hung out at recess, at the tire swing.That's how the next two years went, me hanging out with you and your friends, and me on my own. You had fun birthday parties with all these other girls I never knew, but seemed to be closer to you than I was.You had song-and-dance routines worked out with them... I realized I wasn't your best friend when I went to a concert with my church group and saw you there with our music teacher and two other girls. Luckily that was the end of sixth grade, and we didn't talk in middle school or after that. I felt like you were always leading me on, like I was the second stringer. When your real friends were busy, you'd call me.

David, Mike, Jennifer
How to begin? It always felt like you were one club and I wasn't in it. Yes, we played tack-tackle and you taught me to read and we tortured each other like siblings do, but I never felt any closeness. "stop crying, mom's taking a nap" was the most common sentence in our house. I played by myself since you all had friends of your own, I read too much and I found Dad's stash of playboys. Mostly I watched you with all your buddies and wondered when I would have them too. Then they changed the drinking age and Jen was grandfathered in, so you 3 would go out together. and I was home with mom

Mom and Dad
First of all, thanks for having me. Thanks for thinking I was strong enough to not need supervision, but you know, it would have been nice to have someone around who acted like they cared about me. Dad, we would sit up late reading and eating popcorn on the couch but we never spoke. I wish you talked to me like you did to your students. I felt that since I wasn't going to be a scientist like you, that you didn't bother with me anymore. You called me Mike too often for it to be a silly joke. Mom, you had lots of pain and medical problems, but not everything revolves around you. When I first told you how I felt - when I was starting therapy and taking zoloft- your first words were "what did I do to make you feel so bad?" well, everything, and nothing. I was 4 years old when I first heard "I am A Rock" and even then, that was my theme song. I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain. It's laughter and it's loving I disdain. You never saw how unhappy I was to be alone because that's all I knew.

I am invisible! woot

Nikki and I went to Black and Read, an AWESOME used book-video-dvd-music store nearby. The counter dude was all bedecked in runes and thorshammers, and I clearly remembered talking to him at TB about meads for about 15 minutes. Yet he said nothing. Nikki checked out after me and he gave her two dollars off because she works at TB and was wearing a black Johnny Walker TB shirt. 'Xactly like the one I was wearing.

!sdoireP

In the past year, my periods started going backwards. They start off lightly, then on the third day, I get cramps, and instead of just blood, I expel silver-dollar sized clumps of viscous tissue. Little red jellyfish and I can FEEL it splooging out, like I just vomited in my pants. I thought it was the new pills, but it may just be the fact I've had such normal easy periods for the last 25 years, that I might as well have some weirdness before I get too old.

Don't you cry no more

Dean’s eyes flew open and he gasped in.

“Dean..?” Sam said hesitantly.

“No…I am not Dean, but I can get him for you.” A hollow voice sounded from Dean’s lips. “I have been watching, and waiting for this moment.”

Another demon, Sam thought. Now what?

“Dean is dead and in hell. I will trade places with him,” the voice said again.

“Who are you?” Sam asked.

“You would not recognize my name.”

Sam just stared at the body, breathing and sitting up like Dean would, if Dean were alive inside there.

“I know you do not trust me.”

“Demons lie,” Sam said quietly.

“Yes. We do. Yet we are also very greedy, and this is something I want. Will you aid me?”

“What do I have to do to get him back?”

“Give me a few minutes to close these wounds. It would not be good to bring Dean back, only to have him bleed to death again. Stupid hounds.” The eyes closed and the breathing slowed.

Softly, Sam asked “Are we safe here? The house is surrounded by Lilith’s army.”

“They cannot enter this house. They would not want to. Now be silent. It has been a long time since I inhabited a body, and I need to concentrate.”

Sam nodded and simply watched. The demon seemed to be doing nothing but breathing, but once in a while, a grunt of pain sounded from the chest. Sam fought himself not to go to his brother’s aid.

The eyes opened again. “The wound are sealed. His heart is beating strongly. We can continue.”

“Why are you helping Dean?” Sam asked, as he helped Dean’s body to stand.

“Dean is in Hell, I wish to be there. It is a simple exchange.”

“No one wants to be in Hell; even the demons I’ve come across hated it.”

“It was my home,” the voice spoke.

“Was?”

“I was banished from there some time ago. I disagreed with the head office, and they bounced me.”

“You got kicked out of Hell? That’s pretty badass.”

The demon shrugged. “Those who were disobedient do not like disobedience.”

“Did you have a name when you were human? I have to call you something.”

“I was never human.”

Sam watched as “Dean” stepped to the window. At the edge of the lawn, a line of demons stood ready to attack once the sprinklers turned off.

“Wait, so you were one of the original…?”

“Yes, one of the fallen.”

“Huh. Kicked out of Heaven, then out of Hell.”

“Hence my eagerness to return home.”

“And get revenge?” Sam asked.

The demon smiled. “Most definitely.” It raised its hands and slowly pushed forward. The people at the lawn fell to the ground as the demons inside them were torn from their bodies and blasted away in a sudden wind. “They will not be a bother now.”

“You’re…very powerful.” Sam said, growing a little worried.

“You have nothing to fear from me.” The demon sat in the middle of the room again. “I need you to be quiet again. Your brother is small, and the area I will be searching in unimaginably large.”

He nodded and sat in one of the plush chairs, ready to assist, but not know how.

The demon sat still, but for a tiny twitches and spasms. Once he even chuckled.

After nearly an hour, he spoke. “I have found him. He will be confused and panicked. Oh, he’s gone through such pain already. How lovely.”

The voice murmured in a language Sam didn’t know, but made his skin crawl with fear. The body shook and shimmied and collapsed.

Sam went to Dean’s side as his eyes flew open as he screamed.

“Sammy! Sammy, help me!”

Sam’s eyes filled with tears again as he cradled his brother. “I got you Dean…you’re safe.”

“No!” Dean yelled. “You’re just another devil.”

Sam held his head and looked into his eyes, wide and bloodshot. “Dean! Dean…You’re alive. You’re here. You’ll be ok.”

Dean shook his head again, but help on to Sam’s arms. “It’s not possible. I’m dead. You're not here.”

Sam laughed. “You're talking impossible after what we’ve been through? You’re alive, Dean, and I’m alive, and let’s go to Tijuana.”

“How?” Dean asked weakly.

“I guess we met someone who wanted to be in Hell as much as you wanted to be out of it. Can you walk?”

“I think so, but I’ll let you drive this time.”

You only miss me when I'm gone
You only look for me when I'm not there